Ruth Chowdhury ~ Fighting Anxiety {Story 9 of 30}

In February 2011, my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our fourth baby! We were both super excited and yet nervous, as we didn’t know how we were going to sanely parent four kids. I clung to God saying, “I’ve got this.” Of course, we heard the occasional teasing about having “so many kids so close together” but I think we handled the comments pretty well.

Although I had been pregnant three times before, something didn’t feel quite right. Every time I would announce my pregnancy to someone or talk about the new baby, I felt as if I was telling a lie. It was confusing to me, but I tried to shove those thoughts aside.

We went to our ten-week appointment with our midwife and although my belly was already growing, she wasn’t able to hear a heartbeat. As this can be a common thing at this point with a Doppler, we tried not to worry.

Then, on April 21, when I was almost 12 weeks along, I started spotting. Trying not to be a total mess and hoping for the best, I scheduled an ultrasound for the next day. The next morning, by the time of the appointment, I was bleeding heavily. When we looked on the screen during the ultrasound, we saw there was no heartbeat.

We were devastated upon learning our baby had stopped growing six weeks prior. The sadness, confusion, and anger at my body was overwhelming.

A few hours later, in the middle of the night, I began to hemorrhage. At the ER I couldn’t stop crying. I was so afraid, sad, and felt completely hopeless. I ended up needing an emergency D&C to save my life. So early in the morning of April 23, 2011, I was no longer pregnant.

We later named our baby Olivia Hope.

The following few months were a whirlwind of grief and hopelessness. I don’t remember much of that year. The things I do remember were also “tragic”: I went to the ER for undiagnosed pain, my one year old had to have stitches in the ER, and my five year old broke his arm and needed surgery. During those months I became depressed and anxious.

I had three other miscarriages and thought my body was broken for good.

January 2012 brought good news. I learned I was pregnant for the eighth time. Although I was anxious and still battling depression, we got tests and  ultrasounds.

This little one looked like he was going to make it! With this baby growing inside me, however, my anxiety increased and it was affecting my daily life. I was fearful for my kids’ lives, for my husband’s life, and sometimes my own. I would imagine anything and everything happening to one of us.

In July 2012, someone suggested anxiety medications as I was fearful of having my baby. I am not one to take medication unless deemed “extremely necessary” (according to me, of course) so to even be considering it made me even more anxious.

The next day, we had a special prayer time at our church service. God told me to go up to the front of our church for prayer and healing from anxiety. I did.

I didn’t “feel” an immediate shift, but I realized I was healed! I could think of the upcoming birth and not be anxious. In the following days, I wouldn’t be consumed by anxious thoughts, and if I did have them, I was able to give them over to God.

It was a miracle! I felt such relief. For the first time in 15 months, I had hope. I had joy. It was amazing!

A few months later, on September 22, 2012, our son, Matthias (gift from God) Oliver (boy version of “Olivia,”our angel baby) was born healthy. God has redeemed my physical and mental health; He redeemed our story. My body is no longer broken – it is healed!

Although I miss my sweet Olivia and what could have been, I know she is with Jesus, and we’ll see her again soon.

By the way, we’re still trying to figure out how to sanely parent four kids. But, God is still saying, “I’ve got this too.”

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Ruth Chowdhury has been married to her husband, Chris, for eight years, and they live in Hamtramck, Michigan.  They have four children:  Samuel (6), Addison (4.5), Micah (2.5) and Matthias (1 month). Their  angel, Olivia Hope, would have been  a year old around November 6, and they have three unnamed angels as well.

You can follow Ruth on Twitter @mrscchowds or Facebook (Ruth Parker Chowdhury).  She blogs at ruthchowdhury.wordpress.com.

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I met Ruth online through a mutual friend.  I am thankful she chose to share her struggle with anxiety and healing.  Whatever the source of your anxiety, God can calm.

Thanks for sharing, Ruth!

Comments

  1. “He redeemed our story.” Most excellent words! It is an awful thing to be taken prisoner by anxiety and fear. I love the way you described the progression of it. As for your ending, “By the way, we’re still trying to figure out how to sanely parent four kids,” it’s nice to be back to justifiable anxieties. 🙂

  2. I loved your story and am grateful for your healing!!! May your nest be filled with warmth and love! God Bless!

  3. Thank you, Laura!

  4. I love you, friend. You and your hubby make beautiful babies. Anxiety is no joke–so thankful for your healing!! Thank you for sharing your story. xoxoxo

  5. This story is so sweet and tender and precious. Thank you for sharing. I am so blessed this morning reading this.

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