I’d Still Have Said I Do {Even if Tomorrow is I Don’t}

The beginning and ending could not be more different.

In 1998 I walked through the doors of Poca United Methodist Church on my Daddy’s arm.  Excited.  Nervous.  Smiling from ear to ear. As I walked the aisle, familiar faces greeted each glance. Friends and family filling each pew.

WeddingHeader

My dress wasn’t expensive, but I loved it.  My fiancé, family, and friends  – all stood at the front, waiting, smiling. Flowers and tulle adorned the pews.

It was a dream day.

Did issues exist behind the smiles? Yes.  Red flags?  A few.  But, I felt God joining us together. Any obstacle we faced, we would face as one.

I have wondered often…if the next 15 years had flashed before me prior to the wedding, what would I have done?  Would I have walked away or said I do?

Walking away would have saved me much pain.  Right, divorced friend? Hurting friend?  Widowed friend?  Lonely friend? If we’d have known then what we know now, we could have avoided it all.

No marriage…no pain.

No commitment to love…no pain.

Right?  Wherever you sit today, if given the chance, would you have skipped the hard?  The humbling?  The heartache?  If my life had flashed before my eyes…

I’d have said I do anyway.

And I’d have changed my decisions and my actions and my reactions. I’d have uttered one (or 20)  less critical word(s) and worried less.  I’d have lived less hum drum and more happy day.

Would it have worked?  I have no idea.  Still…

I’d have said I do.

Because amidst the pain, I’d have spotted the joy.  The joy of having two beautiful children. The joy of loving. The joy of knowing Biblical marriage and redemption – even if it didn’t last.

That day, August 1, 1998, a picture-perfect Saturday was the beginning.

And, tomorrow, May 7, 2014, a non-descript Wednesday will be the ending.

I won’t walk into the courtroom on my Daddy’s arm. He’s gone now. There will be no smiling friends or family (although my momma has asked me 100 times if I need her to attend).  Only a judge will be waiting at the aisle’s end.

Questions will be asked and answers given. And in a matter of minutes – as quick as we said I do – we will say I don’t.  For better or for worse? No. In sickness and in health?  For richer or for poorer?  No and no.  All that we vowed to one another and to our Creator…gone.

Just gone.

We won’t walk out arm and arm. I’ll leave alone – him with his lawyer.  Separate cars.  Separate houses

It sucks, huh? (Really sucks.)

And I am scared.  Scared to live alone and raise kids alone. Scared that I can’t keep all the balls in the air. Even knowing the verses about fear – that I have not been given a spirit of fear but one of power and love (2 Timothy 1:7).  I know it…I recite it…I believe it.

But still.

Tomorrow (about 8:45 am) I ask you to pray. For both of us.  Regardless of who did what, it’s just sad.  The hope we had on that day in 1998 is gone, and lost hope is always sad.

Have you lost hope?  Do you look back, wishing for a do over? Would you have said I don’t instead of I do to marriage, to friendship, to a job, to loving, to payments, to God’s call, to  _________?  

Really? It’s ok to say yes or no.

But…

Don’t overlook the joy.

I’ve lost all hope for my marriage, but I’ve not lost all hope.  While I am sad today, I am still hoping. Hoping in Him for a new life – a life that He uses for His glory.

While that life seems far away – for me and maybe for you.  While we may feel sad and stuck. Let’s hope.  Let’s keep looking up and moving forward…it’s hard, but He’s near.

Comments

  1. Just (((((((HUGS)))))))). No words. And I will pray for you.

  2. Praying. So sorry. Someday I would love to talk to you. You have been an inspiration to me.

  3. Love you and I will be praying.

  4. Sue Adams says:

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

    • Thanks, Sue…I know I can always count on you – and you know much more of this story than many as you walked through the early years with me:) I will ALWAYS appreciate you and the time you gave to listening and advising.

  5. Malinda says:

    Prayers. I think of you and the kids often

  6. My heart breaks for you Sarah. I miss you.

    • I miss you too, Miss Lisa…I think of you often, and Owen misses his buddies for sure. But, I rarely go anywhere or do anything unless it is with or for my kids…probably some depression mixed in that. I hope to “surface” sometime soon…but the judgement I feel in church is simply too overwhelming to consider attending. MUCH Love to you!

  7. So sorry. Praying for you each day as you walk this new path. Hugs

  8. My heart absolutely breaks for you, Han, and O as I sit here sobbing. I would have never predicted this ending. Love and praying for strength tomorrow and in the days ahead.

    • I’d never have predicted it either, sister. We walk in Him, trusting Him for tomorrow and for provision. But, loving Jesus doesn’t mean these things won’t happen – as we have talked many times – we know what we “deserve” – I hurt for you and mom, too, but I know we serve a Creator who also redeems…and while this season is scary and sad, He IS working all things together for good. And the icing on top? Miss Chloe. So we will hold tight to the good and relinquish the rest to Him…LOVE you.

  9. Amanda says:

    My alarm is set for an 8:45 prayer for you. I pray you feel the strength and peace of all of the many people who love you and are praying for you during this season.

  10. Michelle Wilson says:

    Hugs and prayers…and lots of love

  11. Much love and support for you, Sarah! ((hugs))

  12. Prayers for all of you.

  13. Sarah. This is phenomenally sad yet filled with hope. A walk many of us share. Shattered yet hopeful. Broken yet expectantly looking forward. Thank you. Prayers for you my precious friend.

    • Broken, yet expectantly looking forward – that’s who I hope to be always. Even in my brokenness, I can walk forward – expectant. Thanks, friend, for that image. Much love:)

  14. Erin D. says:

    Praying for you Sarah. I know it hurts now but God will use this expirience for his glory through you some day.

  15. suzette says:

    My friend texted this to me and it instantly brought me to tears. I can relate to so much of what you are writing. Not sure if you have ever attended Divorcecare but I wish you would come to ours. I need to hear people that are going through this and understand. Somehow I think it would help all of us.

  16. Misha Dailey says:

    We haven’t met but I’ve been reading your blog and it’s some of the most inspiring words I’ve ever read. I was where you are 4 years ago and I want you to know you will be on my mind and in my prayers first thing in the morning. I pray that you will feel the peace and have the strength that only HE can give. He has a plan for you. You are a blessing to many and your messages have touched my heart. You are being used to uplift others in your toughest of times. I believe he is going to richly bless you and your children. Wishing you peace and comfort and speaking your name in prayer in the days to come. Take care,
    Misha Dailey

    • Thanks so much for those kind words, Misha, and for the prayers. I write to process and understand what I think and why I think that. Writing is my time with God. I ask and then I type; what flows is my processing. And, while I don’t share most of what I write, when I do decide to share, it for that reason: to help another and give Him glory for His work in my life and theirs. We need each other. I am reminded of that each time a I write and interact with those who read. 🙂

  17. What an inspiring post. So inspired by your transparency and vulnerability.

    • Thanks, Sundi Jo…you write many inspiring posts. I don’t always comment, but I read. Keep going, Friend!

  18. It will be done by the time you read this…all too uncermoniously. I went alone to my court day, too, and while extremely sad and isolating, it was what worked for me. Then I went alone to the mountains and exhaled deeply. The finality also brought freedom for me in a way that I didn’t expect. Freedom to grieve, to be open to a new possibility and to acknowledge the full extent of my own brokenness.

    I am praying for you now. I’m praying for your children. As mentioned above, I did find comfort, help and normalcy in DivoreCare. I’m so sorry that you sense judgement from your church family – Lord, may you find a group where you are embraced fully. I was blessed that the greatest judgement I faced was my own. Although there were many who didn’t like my choices, I was able to realized they simply didn’t know the story and hadn’t experienced the things I had…and it was easy to dismiss.

    hang in there, today. tomorrow will be better.

    • Thanks, Missy…I feel like you continually walk alongside me via blogging. I took the day off, bought some flowers and a cute new replacement ring. The day was good – all things considered. I think I feel freedom, but I am unsure. I’ve been working so much that I’ve to stop and process the day fully. I appreciate your prayers; you are faithful! Much Love, Sarah

  19. Hi Sarah! I came across your blog today because i googled how i let God help me with my battle with food. Your blog from September 2011 (talking about how Lysa’s book) helped you came up. While that blog is soooo helpful and I jotted down the book to read myself, THIS blog literally had me in tears. Although I am single and waiting on God for marriage, this also helped me with my “food battle”. SO many times I’ve let my weight gain stop me from going to events and doing things I know that God called me to do. The embarrasment and the lack of change rings in my head. But just like you said in this post, I do not want to lose hope!!!
    “Have you lost hope? Do you look back, wishing for a do over? Would you have said I don’t instead of I do to marriage, to friendship, to a job, to loving, to payments, to God’s call, to _________? Really? It’s ok to say yes or no. But… Don’t overlook the joy.”
    Thank you sooo much for being transparent and I pray God covers you both so that you can start anew and bring glory to His name no matter the trial. This helps me know that I have to let go and truly let God have 100% control. Just as I’m worrying about weight and things now, there will always be other disappointments in future chapters but I have to keep being obedient to God’s will because He means good for us in everything. God Bless!

  20. Tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary. Not sure how i Will so

  21. Wanted to invite u to our single and parenting class in scott depot on wed nights. Do u think u could come sometime?

    • I’d love to – I live about 1.5 hours away – is it a class I can come visit – or something everyone regularly attends??

      • I am taking a new one now single moms group at river ridge in hurricane wv tues at 6.30. on the 10/6 they are having a dinner. I thought you lived in cross lanes that’s why I had asked you. How are you now?

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