Over the past eight months, I’ve lived in divorce mode. There’s really not a single day that escapes the divorce shrapnel.
Reminders everywhere. Complications ever-present. Blessings abounding in the midst.
While I know “divorced” will always be part of my story, I’ve finally arrived at a place in which I’ve shed much of the spiritual, emotional, and physical baggage of my marriage (oh, I am not done, but tangible improvements are present.)
I don’t have the car we shared – or the bed we shared – or the dishes we shared.
I’ve purged almost all of the physical things.
One very heavy thing: weight. Lots and lots of weight…as in about 60 pounds of it (conservative estimate).
Yeah, I know. Stress plus emotional eating equals booooo.
And it all culminated in a long discussion with God after last week’s trip to Honduras.
I struggled in the heat. I felt tired and cranky quickly. Self-loathing crept in while I stood at a house in Catacamas listening to the family matriarch share her hopes and dreams as she stood in her outdoor kitchen next to her outdoor plumbing.
[Insert big, tear-filled frown here.]
I have EVERY opportunity IN THE WORLD – I really do. I have advantages that woman will never know. I have enough food to feed her entire family, and I can cook it on my stove in my cute hot pink, orange, and teal kitchen any day of the week.
Mad. Sad. That’s where my heart landed again and again while in Honduras. The emotion keeping me stuck in this icky place. Sadly, my fight with my weight preoccupied me more than it should have (thanks, Satan).
The final straw? The extra tight seat belt as I squished into my seat on the flight home.
How in the world, Lord, did I get to this place? What was I thinking?
I asked Him again and again during that flight until I landed on a podcast from Passion City Church – Louis Giglio telling me that Goliath MUST fall.
And, God saying in my heart: he must fall, Sarah. This giant in your life – weight – must fall. There’s work yet to be done, and this isn’t about your shirt size or appearance: This is about your health, your body as a temple, your feelings about your well-being, and your all-consuming weight awareness keeping your focus away from me.
The giant – my weight – must fall (theologians: listen to the message before you judge the trite analogy of Goliath as a personal giant;)
I talked to Hannah about her trainer, Allison. I texted my friend, Nicole, and asked for her help, which resulted in a 9 am workout with Allison, Nicole, Amy, and my Hannah.
Yes, my sweet daughter insisted on doing each exercise right along with me. We spent two hours yesterday morning lifting weights, doing push-ups, balancing on a ball, and smiling at our efforts. And, we will repeat it this evening.
For me, this is following the words God spoke to my heart on the plane; the same words He’s spoken to me before. He’s been very clear that the work he’s doing in and through my life involves my health, for I can not serve him fully and completely when I am physically – and thus emotionally and often spiritually – hindered.
So the work has begun. And I can feel every single, long-ignored muscle in my body.
And as I sat reflecting on this new journey and the long road before me…my She Reads Truth devotional reminded me that…
Every great and powerful move of God…comes down to a section like [Nehemiah 3: 1-32]. The people have to get up, stop talking and vision casting, and starting putting beams down…And it isn’t always beautiful or glamorous or filled with spiritual fervor and fluffy feelings, but it is so very, very good and necessary to getting the wall built.
I am certainly NOT rebuilding a wall to protect Jerusalem, but I am putting one foot in front of the other toward God’s call upon my life – doing the work. Working to shed the self that’s not me, as He’s shown me this is my paragraph in His greater story – for now.
What work is He asking you to do? Is it work to prepare for His work? Are you to build a portion of a wall that will contribute to a larger project you can’t even see? Is He asking you to grow and prepare for something, but you have no idea what?
If He’s saying move, move. If He’s saying go, go. If He’s saying prepare, prepare.
A friend encouraged me to share this journey on my blog; I fear pride will keep me from it most of the time. But, we discussed how most share their weight loss stories AFTER it’s all said and done, not while in process. I hope to share the process… I think… although it makes me nervous having so much accountability floating around;)
Thanks Nicole Barton, Allison Burner, Christy Owen, Jen Wright, Candice Grose, Janet Hines, Lori Connell, Krysten Case, Marla Taviano, and Hannah Farish for believing in this WAY out of shape gal. As Nicole said to me…I can’t wait to see where you are this time next year.