These Are the Weeks I Question God {And Want to Hide}

Today, I don’t want to adult.  

I want to give up and give in.  I want to kick and scream.  {Thankful it’s Friday.}



Teen girls addicted to heroin.

She’s only 16 and addicted.  She’s been to rehab once, but it “really didn’t stick…and I don’t really do it all that much anyway.”  She explained to me how shooting is better than sniffing.  You can just mix the powder with water on a spoon, heat the spoon, and it’s ready for the needle.  (She shares like it’s no big deal.) I asked her one simple question…why?  Why heroin?  Why drugs?

Life is just too hard.  It gets overwhelming in my head.  Drugs help with that.  

What’s so hard about life?  

Well, my dad’s an addict.  I live with my grandparents, won’t mention my mom because it doesn’t matter.  And my grandma doesn’t get it.  And I hate school because people make fun of me – make fun of my scars.  There’s just lots of stuff, you know?

I look into her eyes…and I want to weep.  In fact, I spend most of the evening praying for her, wondering about her life, begging God to show me how to help her and so many others.  Because..she’s not the first addict I’ve met – more like the 10th in about three weeks.  She needs hope and nothing I say gives hope in her mind.


Women and children being beaten.  

On Tuesday as I left for school, I am greeted by a man screaming and hitting his girlfriend on the corner opposite my house.  The story is long, but in the end, I gave Ashley a ride to work and had 11 of you join me in prayer for her -thank you!

But still.  A little girl watched with wide eyes as a man smacked her mom.  That same 8-year-old had to talk to the police. She also missed school because her backpack was in the car that the boyfriend drove to escape police.

I pray God be near in one minute, and in the next, I ask God…what chance does that blond-haired little girl have in life if this is all she knows?  Who will show her different? My heart knows not to count God out, but it’s so very hard.


Friends living halfway around the globe.

Once upon a time, God connected me to a blogger named Marla Taviano.  (More about that here) Have you ever been connected to a person who made you a better person – just by knowing him/her?  A person that made  you want to know Jesus more because you witnessed her relationship with Him, her surrender, her kingdom work, and His work in her life? (Especially in VERY hard days!)  

That’s Marla.

For a year after we connected, I visited her and her family at their house.  Then, she moved to apartments (Abbey Lane), and I visited her – and so many of her friends – there.  It was through  my visits to Abbey lane and my relationship with Marla that my eyes began to open.  I realized what a mission field truly was…and I learned that those different from me ARE NOT “unreached people groups” to be evangelized for Jesus, but humans made in His image to be loved for Jesus.  

Marla now lives in Cambodia, and I connect with her 3-4 times a week via Facebook messenger.  But.  This week.  Today.  I just miss her and her family.  I feel I truly lived life with her. I focused on things that matter.  I’ve lost some of my courage – my bravery – since her departure.  


Toddlers with cancer.

I met a family at Abby Lane – the Fitzpatricks.  I had two meals at their home.  Learned Settlers of Catan from them – Josh is a pro.  After we’d known them a few months, Marla confided to us that their seven-month-old son, Judah, had cancer.  Horrible.

Laura and Judah were there for my surprise 39th birthday party at the Tavianos – along with so many other smiling faces from the neighboring apartments.  I only spent three evenings with Laura and Judah, but Laura’s spirit and radiance evidenced Jesus living within her.  It felt like I’d known her for years.


When the Tavianos moved to Cambodia in January, Judah was cancer free.  But a few months later it came back.  And Judah met Jesus yesterday.  

I can’t fathom losing a child.  I can’t imagine Josh of Laura’s pain.  I pray, but I still ask God…why?  

{You can read my friend Marla’s memories here.  So beautiful.}


This week has just been dang hard in the lives of those around me.  And I know I can’t save the world – although my Momma says I like to try – but I can love the world.  And I can pray.

This world is broken and messy.  And as my friend, Lisa Whittle, put it so eloquently this morning “I want a hut on the tropical clear blue water with the fruity drink and my people for the rest of my life and poof, this all goes away.  That’s what I want…[but] as much as I want to be absorbed into the crowds, this is not the Jesus following life.”

Friends, church is good.  Bible study is good.  I love both of those things.  Hanging out with your sisters talking about Jesus and kiddos  – awesome.  But, today, I encourage you to leverage your church, your Bible study, and your friendships for the Kingdom.  To jump into the deep end of this world’s mess.  Armed with love that makes Jesus famous. Empowered by a want to and grace that can ONLY come from your Creator.  

Be brave.  Take heart.  He has overcome this world .(John 16:33)

And put your warrior boots on! (Please read this post!)

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Ephesians 6:12


  1. Marla Taviano says:

    I love you so much. Miss you like crazy. Thank you for your beautiful friendship.

  2. Sometimes the hardest and most honoring thing you can do is to just bear witness to another’s pain. This is the Father’s heart. So much so, He chose to experience the greatest of all traumas, the cross, so He could bear witness to our trauma. So, He could say to all the abuse victims, the addicts, the grieving parents, “I get it. I was human too, and I experienced all of those hurts for myself. ” (Hebrews 4:15) These moments are when I have to cling to that Truth. If you read Jesus’ experience as a human being, the experience of the cross can be identified as spiritual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse. And he CHOSE this for us, not only to save us, but to identify with us. My friend, you have found the heart of the Father for the world in you pain. Though it is painful and scary, lean into it! Keep strapping those boots on and using what God has given you, kindess, compassion, witness, and words! Continue to help people be seen and find their voice! Thank you for helping me find mine!

    • Christy…I can’t thank you enough for these words. I am such a “fixer” – and I forget that I don’t have to fix everything. That God is the ultimate fixer. And humans need love and bearing witness more than anything. Your comment reminded me…I can do this. He can do this through me. I don’t have to feel hopeless and helpless. I dont’ have to have all the answers because He already does. Thank you!

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